A Little Goes a Long Way: How A Few Details Make a Scene Come Alive
Remember: this week, all posts are free!
Welcome back, writers!
As many of you know, my latest book, TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER, came out this week. As a special treat in honor of the release, all posts will be FREE to readers regardless of subscription status through Friday.
Before we dive into today’s reader’s first page, here’s a little bit about TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER:
Most people’s births aren’t immortalized in a police report—but Olivia was born during the infamous Camp Lost Lake murders. Seventeen years later, Olivia’s life looks pretty perfect . . . until she discovers the man she calls dad is not her biological father. Now she wants answers about her bloodline, and the only place she knows to look is Camp Lost Lake.
Most people don’t spend their formative years on the run with an alleged murderer—but Reagan did. In the court of public opinion, her mom was found guilty of the deaths at Camp Lost Lake, and both of them have been in hiding ever since. But Reagan believes in her mother’s innocence and is determined to clear her name.
Luckily for Olivia and Reagan, Camp Lost Lake is finally reopening, providing the perfect opportunity to find answers. But someone else is dead set on keeping the past hidden, even if it means committing murder.
TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER is out TOMORROW wherever books are sold, but you can click any of the links below to buy now:
And now onto the post! Today we have another first page edit from one of our incredible writers.
Read on to see how adding specific sharp details can really bring a page to life…
“Jill. Jill!”
Jill stopped halfway down the pale corridor and sighed. Here we go again.
DV: Jumping in right away with a SUPER controversial take which is… I don’t love when a book opens with dialogue. I know! So many readers love it, so this is a situation when you might just want to ignore my opinion. It’s not my favorite way of opening a book, but it’s popular among people who will likely be your readers so take that comment with a grain of salt.
One tiny formatting note, though: when a thought is a direct line from inside your character’s head, as it is here when Jill thinks “Here we go again,” you should italicize!
No doubt the past year had been difficult for Arthur Harvey, but his obsession with their work was becoming dangerous. If not for her, by now he’d probably have done something he’d regret forever. Deep down, she knew it was only a matter of time before desperation got the better of him, and he did it anyway.
DV: So much is working here. I love that we’re starting right off the bat with some friction. Jill’s annoyed that Arthur is focusing so much on their work, something happened in the not to recent past that changed the status quo, and it was “hard” so it was likely a dramatic something—all good! This writer should be really proud of how they’ve set this all up.
But, for anyone hoping to take this to the next level, I have some super easy tips. The first tip is to get physical. Start by dropping into Jill’s body. Everything that’s happening in this paragraph is cerebral, it’s Jill thinking about the last year and how frustrated she is, how she knows she should give Arthur a break, etc. How does she feel during this entire exchange? Does the back of her neck bristle? Does her chest clench? Does she have to curl and uncurl her fists, take a deep breath, do anything to, essential, calm the tension rising in her body? One or two beats here could go a long way.
Once you’ve got Jill’s physicality down, I’d urge you to add some grounding details to help your reader identify where they are in space. Do this by going through the five senses. Is this an office building? Perhaps Jill smells the cleaning supplies the janitors used to mop the floor, or the coffee burning in the break room? Maybe she hears the sound of her coworkers typing lazily on their keyboards, or the drone of someone taking a (probably personal) call from the conference room. What does she see? Can you describe what her surroundings look like? If she’s in an office she’s probably freezing because they always keep the AC too high. Just sprinkle a couple of details through here to give us a sense of where we are.
Consider how you might fill out the scene by adding just a few sharp details:
“Jill. Jill!”
Jill stopped halfway down the pale long, windowless corridor and sighed, dread and the chemical smell of whatever cleaning products the janitors used on the carpet making her stomach churn. Here we go again.
Arthur Harvey strode toward her, shirt untucked, coffee stains turning the once white fabric brown where it wasn’t already gray from days (weeks?) of going unwashed.
No doubt The past year had been difficult for Arthur Harvey, she knew that. but his obsession with their work was becoming dangerous. She clenched and unclenched her hands, trying to get her nerves under control. If not for her, by now he’d probably have done something he’d regret forever. She swallowed the acid bubbling up her throat. Deep down, she knew it was only a matter of time before desperation got the better of him, and he did it anyway.
What do you think? Do the details add something here?
She turned to face him, forcing herself to smile. “Good morning, Arthur! What can I do for you?”
DV: “forcing herself to smile” is a great detail!
She looked him up and down as he marched towards her – what a sorry sight he’d become. God knows when he last shaved, or ran a comb through his mop of greying hair. His once-white shirt was in desperate need of an iron as well.
DV: I love these details so much! Could you add a beat about how he looks before we get Jill’s reaction to how he looks? Tell us what the stubble and messy hair look like. What color is his once-white shirt now? Is it pink because he accidentally put it in a load with a bunch of red socks? Brown from coffee stains? The pits yellow with sweat? I want more!
“Can we talk?” His stern face told her this was serious. Then, her stomach lurched as she noticed the file in his tightly-clenched fist. It was labelled:
SUBJECT #0027
This was it. The conversation she’d been dreading. Don’t panic, she told herself. He was bound to find out sooner or later.
DV: Ooooh I’m so intrigued!
She swallowed hard, trying to maintain her composure. “Of course. Why don’t you take a walk with me?”
Arthur’s heavy eyes were unblinking. “Actually, I think it would be best if we spoke in your office.” “Sure. No problem.”
DV: Ugh, what a great end! I can really feel her dread here. I love what you’ve done to set up the tension between these two characters, and you’ve really managed to nail starting right before the action, and including enough little hints at a mystery to keep me interested. Now, I’d say that your main goal should be to sprinkle in those details that make the whole scene feel real!