Description and Clarity
Readability is key, even if it means losing some of your favorite descriptions
Happy Monday, writers!
Today I have a first page review from a reader named Becca. I love SO MUCH about this page. As such, most of my notes have to do with how you can restructure your sentences to make your scene more readable without sacrificing those incredible details that are so fun to write—and read. Read on to see what I suggest!
Tonight, I would play a god.
DV: This is a great first line!
Night nestled into the streets of Starwater Row. The narrow cobblestone alleyways once vibrant with townsfolk laid still, aside from the faint hobbling of drunks and the whistle of thatched roofs in the breeze. Each neighboring townhome formed a jagged skyline, held up by an erratic slew of crumbling wood and stone. All to be damned by one crow too many.
DV: Phenomenal detail work here! Can I make one suggestion? In the second line, you can omit “once vibrant with townsfolk” for a cleaner image. Right now, that extra detail is competing with “aside from the faint hobbling of drunks and the whistle of thatched roofs in the breeze.” – and I think the latter is a stronger image.
So, it would read like this:
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