Guest Edit From My Favorite Crit Partner
And a special treat... this week, all posts are free regardless of subscription status!
Happy Monday, writers!
As many of you know, my latest book, TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER, comes out tomorrow (ah! I’m not freaking out, you’re freaking out!)
As a special treat in honor of the impending release, all posts this week will be FREE to readers regardless of subscription status.
Before we dive into today’s reader’s first page, here’s a little bit about TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER:
Most people’s births aren’t immortalized in a police report—but Olivia was born during the infamous Camp Lost Lake murders. Seventeen years later, Olivia’s life looks pretty perfect . . . until she discovers the man she calls dad is not her biological father. Now she wants answers about her bloodline, and the only place she knows to look is Camp Lost Lake.
Most people don’t spend their formative years on the run with an alleged murderer—but Reagan did. In the court of public opinion, her mom was found guilty of the deaths at Camp Lost Lake, and both of them have been in hiding ever since. But Reagan believes in her mother’s innocence and is determined to clear her name.
Luckily for Olivia and Reagan, Camp Lost Lake is finally reopening, providing the perfect opportunity to find answers. But someone else is dead set on keeping the past hidden, even if it means committing murder.
TWO SIDES TO EVERY MURDER is out TOMORROW wherever books are sold, but you can click any of the links below to buy now:
And now let’s get to our reader’s first page! As an extra special treat today, my long time crit partner is jumping in to guest edit a page for us.
Leah Konen is the author of KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, THE PERFECT ESCAPE and ALL THE BROKEN PEOPLE. Her books have been featured in Vogue, Rolling Stone, Marie Claire, Reader’s Digest and The NY Post, among others. Leah has also been my crit partner for over ten years, and is—in my opinion—one of the most brilliant editors working today. And good news—she’s currently taking new clients.
Read on to see what Leah has to say about this writer’s first page and learn how you can work with her!
Vanessa picked at her cuticles relentlessly, little beads of blood dotting the edges of her nail beds.
LK: Great opening, just rearranged a bit to open on a really strong, creepy image and get right into Vanessa’s head:
Beads of blood dotted the edges of Vanessa’s nail beds. She had to stop tearing apart her cuticles.
Her hands were balled up, furiously searching for bits of loose skin to tear at, while Dr. Santoro sat stoically across from her. The therapist kept her hands crossed firmly in her lap. Vanessa watched her well-manicured hands remain perfectly still, the glossy red polish standing out from the rest of her oversized, muted attire.
LK: Try these small edits to tighten up and let the great descriptions shine.
Dr. Santoro sat stoically across from her, hands crossed firmly in her lap. Vanessa watched the therapist’s well-manicured hands remain perfectly still, the glossy red polish standing out from the rest of her oversized, muted attire.
Vanessa couldn’t quite discern Dr. Santoro's age—50 maybe?—
LK: Love the way we get in her head here.
but was certain that however old she might be, her homely clothing added at least five years to her appearance. She waited for the good doctor’s initiating remarks, the silence tightening like a rubber band twisted around her chest, threatening to soon snap.
LK: Great, visceral imagery. Well done!
Vanessa imagined herself screaming, cursing, or smacking the therapist’s water glass to the ground—anything to shatter the smug silence that enveloped the room.
LK: Great descriptor here.
Say something, dammit! This wasn’t going at all like it was supposed to. Since the evening Garrett had made this -appointment for her—the evening following the small incident between them—
LK: Can you make a quick addition here to root us in time here? One week ago, a month, a few days?
Vanessa had imagined and rehearsed this exact moment ad nauseum. She was taught early in life the value of preparedness, of knowing what was expected of her and obliging.
LK: Your opening descriptors are so strong. Could you use some of this vivid language to give a hint to “the incident” and get readers salivating to learn more?
This session had to go well. She needed to be able to report back progress to Garrett so that he could appreciate that what happened between them was a fluke—never to happen again—and they could happily go back to how it was before.
LK: Perhaps add a quick hint at what their relationship looked like before the incident. Something specific—shared bagels on the sofa; their favorite cocktail at a tucked-away bar, etc. A visual that really sums up the security of their relationship.
Vanessa was supposed to unwind in a vanilla-scented office, abundant with throw pillows. There, Dr. Santoro radiating with warmth, would say something like “Tell me about yourself.’ And then she would. Vanessa would share her struggles with ease. Dr. Santoro would nod along contemplatively, and Vanessa would know that her concerns were seen as contemplative, existential even, and that she wasn’t a boring, kept woman coming to navel-gaze after her weekly spell of domestic hysteria. I could even be her favorite patient, she had hoped as she prepared for the appointment.
LK: Could you cut back some of these details a little bit? It was just a touch confusing before we know more about “the incident.” Consider these adjustments to tighten up and let the great prose stand out:
Vanessa had imagined this all so differently: A vanilla-scented office, abundant with throw pillows. Dr. Santoro radiating with warmth, all, “Tell me about yourself” and “How does that make you feel?” Paving the way for Vanessa to share her struggles with ease. Encouraging nods from the doctor, absolving her from her brief spell of domestic hysteria. I could even be her favorite patient, she’d imagined, in a moment of contemplative, existential naval-gazing.
Final Note from Leah: Great opening overall. Love that you get us right into Vanessa’s head and make it clear exactly what she wants from this therapist and that she is very unlikely to get it. Wonderful stakes. And the visuals are bold and vivid—well-done! I just tightened where possible and gave you openings to give us a bit more about Vanessa and Garrett. Well done!
Would you like your work edited by Leah Konen?
Leah specializes in editing commercial fiction across genres, and her last few clients have sold at auction, pubbed to much fanfare, and landed dream agents. An edit from her is extremely thorough and includes 5-10 pages of global notes as well as call-outs within the manuscript, very similar to what you'd get from a Big 5 editor.
You can find out a little bit more about Leah’s work at newyorkbookeditor.com